This weekend was Patrick’s (Dane’s father) birthday. Patrick and I became very close during my marriage with Dane. When my father passed away I took it very hard, and Patrick became almost like a father to me. He was there when things got bad between me and Dane and really did not want our marriage to end, but it did. Even after the divorce, Patrick would come and visit me and Jacob and took very good care of me.  

So when he called to invite me to his birthday BBQ, and insisted that I show up, I was "forced" to agree to come. He told me not to worry that he would not let the vultures( His wife Robin and daughter Lacy ) do or say anything to me. Patrick even wanted me to bring Molly, my sister.

When we got there, you could feel the tension. Patrick greeted me with a warm hug and bright smile, too bad his wife, Robin and Lacy showed their disappointment in me being there. It was so uncomfortable that I was mute the entire time. I would nod and smile, but inside I was dying! I wanted to run out of there, my stomach was in knots and I was a mess.

When Dane came without the slut, I was relieved! Patrick held my hand under the table as he saw Dane come in and gently let it go as he also noticed that Beverly didn’t come. I kept thinking that Patrick was insensitive to invite me knowing that I would be suffering inside. However in a strange way I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. When I caught glimpses at Dane, I didn’t know what I saw in him years before. I didn’t know what I cried over all those nights, and I didn’t feel one gosh darn thing for him any more. I went to the bathroom and when I was washing my hands, I noticed my wedding ring was still on.  I looked in the mirror and slowly took off the ring, staring at the running water I was tempted to toss it down the drain, but I put it in my pocket instead.

As the night wore on and on, Dane drank more and more. By this time, I didn’t care if Stacy and Lacy were pissed that Pat had invited me. I was having fun catching up with him and even happier that he still saw me for me and not Dane’s ex-wife. At about 9:00 it was time to leave, Dane was pissed drunk and mumbling nonsense to his mommy about something. I grabbed all our belongings and said goodnight and goodbye to Pat. As Molly, Jacob and I made our way to the car, Dane caught up to us. He said he wanted to “talk” to me, Molly shot me an “are you crazy look?!” I asked her to wait in the car for me with Jacob. Our conversation went like this:  M=me D=Dane

D- ::rubs his forehead with left hand:: I…I uh, you look good.

M- thank you

D- well I just wanted to…to uhhh te—

M- Dane…it’s late what do yo---

D- Beverly wants to get married…because of the baby and all. She says that

M- okay, so what does that have to do with me?

D- I just wanted to tell you so that you…um…know

M- okay….is that all?

D- no…yeah…no… I miss you Juju!

M- :gasp: you what? You know what? No…don’t repeat what you just said.

D- I do, do you miss me?

M-no

D- wow! Didn’t even have to think about it huh?

M- no…as far as I’m concerned the only good thing I got from you was Jacob.

D- oh…come on! Real mature, what you want to hurt me?! Is that what you want? I miss you, I love you…

M-:rolls eyes: wow! You love me? Well that’s just…that’s......good luck with that.

D- you are still the most beautiful women I have ever seen. It kills me not to be able to kiss your lips, hold your hand, and feel your skin…smell you ha—

M- you know what? Shut up! Shut up! Save it for your new mistress, because that’s just…..I don’t even know what to say to you! I I I we are …bye!

D- are you seeing anyone?

M- huh? what? you got a lotta nerve, that's none of your bus--

D-You still love me,don't you?! you still want me…I can see it in your eyes, you mis--

M- oh fuck off Dane!

D- WHAT?

M-fuck off....

D- look...i'm sorry okay? I...I didn't

M- it's fine, whatever i'm gonna--

D- let's be friends ok? it seems silly to just thorw everything away, we do have Jacob after all...

M- how about I open the door when you come see Jacob, and smile when you drop him off and say hi every once in a while?

D- come on Julie!

M- it's late, I gotta go okay?

D- okay...I just....I think of you all the time...

M- okay.....::::rolls eyes:::

(((((silence))))))

D- are you fucking anyone?

M- :::::SLAP:::::: go to hell!!!!!

As I walled to the car he shouted he was sorry and that he didn’t mean it. I was so angry that I was shaking; I was almost to tears when I reached the car, but I took in a deep breath and got in the car. I was able to stay calm on the drive home. After tucking Jacob in I told Molly what happened. She was quite as I talked and only asked if I was okay when I was done talking. My eyes burned with tears, but not tears for him, they were frustrated tears, tears of anger, and tears of disappointment. So he’s getting married huh?

 When we got separated he was still having his mail sent here, and was comfortable coming over when he wanted to pick up his mail. I took the liberty of going to the post office and changing his address, which really pissed him off. I had all his mail forwarded to his mother’s house since I didn’t know where he was staying. One day he came to pick up his mail after not seeing me for a month and was so upset at the fact that there was nothing there. I told him what I did and boy was he furious!

He went to the post office and had his mail redirected to my address until he had a permanent address of his own. So I would get my mail from my mail box and leave his mail on the porch bench. One rainy day all his mail got soaked and ruined! He was so upset when he finally got his mail, one month later, that he got a PO Box instead.

I remember watching him from the window in the living room as he picked up his soggy mail. As I laughed at how silly he looked I wondered why things didn’t work out between us.

I just want to thank all of you for of your kind words and helpful tips. It’s really great to vent and left out all of my anger and frustration in a way that is so raw and true, but not be judged by what has happened. I think that this may even be an obsession to me!

I think that all of you are wonderful writers with such insightful blogs and inspiring stores that make many readers laugh, scream and maybe even shed some tears with you. All in all I have met none other than the warmest people with encouraging words and hearts of gold.

Thank you for that!

We married four months later, I was twenty two and Dane was twenty five. At first things were wonderful! Sex on the kitchen table, long weekends, picnics, movie night, flowers for no reason and feeling the love I gave him returned.

That summer my parents came to visit us and we glowed with love for each other, or so we were told. When they left, I started to get sick. I had no energy, no appetite, and Dane started to fear that it might be serious. We went to the doctor and found out we were expecting a baby, I was six weeks pregnant. To be honest I wasn’t too sure on the timing of it all. With Dane’s promotion and all, he was far to busy to be distracted with the excitement that a baby would bring. Never the less Dane was super happy and my fear of it being too soon faded.

Two weeks before my twenty third birthday, Dane and I welcomed Jacob into our lives. We were so happy and in such a dream world that nothing could bring us down. As soon as the nurse gave me our little baby boy, neatly wrapped in a soft blue blanket, I was so head over heels in love! Once he was in my arms I unwrapped him and looked at his little hands then his little fingers and then his tiny feet and itty bitty toes. He looked so much like Dane it was a wonder that I was even involved in the whole process.

Eventually I had to go back to work and Jacob stayed with Dane’s mother, Patty. That’s when things started to change. Keep in mind that we had a four month old baby in the house and between work and home; my sex drive was down to zero. Dane started to work later and later. I was having dinner alone and sleeping alone, on the weekends he had errands to run. Some of these so called errands took up most of his Saturdays and left him at home in a sour mode on Sundays.

I wasn’t blind, I knew something was up the moment it started, but I just didn’t want to expect it.  Then, one day while on my lunch break, I saw an all too familiar face walking with a tall blonde. All I could do was watch, like a car accident unfolding right in front of me. Only this was no accident, this was my life. My husband was across the street from me with a sexy blonde and all I could do was watch.

Dane was a great guy. At first I wasn’t really drawn to him mainly because he was so simple and soft spoken. There really was no demand in attention to him, nothing at all like Bruce, my ex lover and boss. Dane was very sweet and very caring, a great listener and a wonderful conservationist. We dated after a few months of getting to know each other, turned out he also live in CA and very close to me. We both did the same thing for a living and we had much in common, to my surprise.

We took cooking lessons together, salsa lessons and saw a lot of plays. We moved in together after a year of officially dating and slightly over two years of knowing each other. We decided to get a whole new place to live since we really couldn’t decide whose place to move into. Things were really great, I loved him and he loved me. Our jobs were the best they could be and we were planning to go to Vegas for a long weekend.

Well let me start at the beginning. I’m twenty four years old and I live in CA. Home of traffic jams, rush hours, and smog. I moved out of my parents home when I was seventeen years old and loved every second of living alone.  I kept in close touch with my famliy, I just didn't want to live under their supervision.

I went to a community college, but quickly tired of it. I wanted steady money and going to school and working was not the life for me. I took a bartending job and worked at a hotel for a few months, between tips and my hourly wages I was doing pretty good. I soon got a second job as a waitress at a local hole in the wall Italian restaurant. I had two jobs and realized that if I wanted to make anything of myself I would have to go back to school, so I did.

I went to school and got my AA in business; I was only working at the hotel as a bartender at this time and finally saved enough to move out of my crappy studio apartment on Wilshire where my views consisted of bums peeing onto the street, graffiti on the walls of surrounding buildings and garbage.

 I moved closer to downtown, while working at the bar I met many business men whom I casually hinted that I may be looking for a job in the near future. Eventually that day came when I was going to actually get a really job with benefits and everything.

 I became the assistant to one of the Vice presidents of a very successful company. My condo was nicely furnished and my closet was full of very nice designer suits, my car always had a full tank of gas and was very well taken care of. After about year of working there I started to have a sexual relationship with my boss.

I was twenty and he was forty five. A very handsome man with dark features, a built physique, and a presence that demanded your attention. I truly thought that I was in love, that WE were in love. We spent weekends together and went on many trips, and had a very healthy sexual relationship. All of my friends knew who he was and I knew all or most of his friends. So you can imagine my surprise when his wife showed up at the office one summer day. I quit by the end of that month.

We still met every now and then. I know that it was wrong. I was, after all, the other women. I just couldn’t keep away from him. I needed to be by his side to breathe, to think, to feel human again. This went on for about two more months and we called it off. I moved to the San Fernando Valley, and started a new life.

 I was working for a bank and very quickly became the branch manager. I was able to buy a town house and live comfortably, but I was very lonely. Then at a managers training I met Dane.